A Shattered Reality

This journal entry is about a relationship that never was.

It happened several years ago. I can’t exactly remember all of the details, but I can tell you that it changed how I looked at the world around me.

I think I mentioned him before, but not in detail. I met him through a friend of mine and had a really good conversation with him. At the time, it had been so long since I liked someone that it was a surprise to me and I tried not to think too much about it. He later contacted me and I was thrilled about it (I had thought that I wouldn’t speak to him again). A few weeks passed and we texted for a bit. Part of me had been hopeful that something was going to come out of these conversations. That, perhaps, I would have a deeper relationship with him.

But then, three weeks later, I found out from a friend that he had decided to date someone else. When, I heard that, I was so shocked I had no idea how to respond. I found myself playing along the conversation and then excusing myself. It wasn’t until later, when I cried my eyes out, that I realized that I had liked him… but not in a romantic way. Not really.

I had fallen in love with the idea of being in love.

For so much of my life, up until that point I had hinged everything I did on finding someone. It was more of a subconscious decision that I didn’t have control over. I have had a lot of suffering in my life and it was that idea that had kept me going. After crying and realizing how I had shaped my reality, everything changed. It all shattered.

I remember walking around my campus and seeing everything so differently. It was like the rose-colored vision that I had previously held, was no more. In its place was a black and white reality. It was strange.

I didn’t feel sad. I didn’t feel empathy. I didn’t feel anything. But I also wasn’t numb.

I was alright. I remember feeling like the idea of going up to a guy and talking to him didn’t freak me out as much. I also felt like there was absolutely no excitement at the thought of dating someone.

Yeah, I know, it was kind of bleak but, at the same time, it opened my eyes to see that the world is so much more than our romantic ideals deciding if we will be happy. The romantic kind of love is always overly emphasized. In books, tv shows, entertainment, even on the news. Everywhere.

But the other things that are important in life are not emphasized there. Our personal lives, our mental, physical, spiritual, and emotional health are cast aside and briefly brushed over. Our family life and those other things that are important to us have never been shone in a bright light. It has been about pleasure most of the time. In some ways, it’s understandable, but in others way there’s so much more to life.

After this realization, I understood what was really important in my life - my mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual health. Why? Because one day, when I do meet the person that I’m meant to spend the rest of my life with, I’ll be more than ready to give of myself to them, to love them better, and to sacrifice myself for them.

Don’t get me wrong, romantic love is still beautiful and there is a reason why its portrayed so eloquently since the beginning of time, but its a reflection of the kind of love that we’re meant for. In order to achieve that, though, we need to work on ourselves.

It’s not selfish to want to prioritize one’s interior life. You cannot give what you do not have. That being said, always remember that there is only one of you. Only one. Don’t waste your life trying to fill an empty whole with the idea of someone. Instead, focus on the present. Those people in your life that matter. That talent and passion that you seek to develop. It will all ultimately lead you to the only One who can fill that whole inside.

Stay strong, and lots of love!