Loneliness
Wow… it’s been a hot minute since I submitted a journal entry and I definitely have myself to blame.
You ever find yourself saying “yes” to every single possible thing others ask of you? I think that’s where I’ve found myself as of late. It’s so incredibly hard to place boundaries for me because I just want to help. So, how does this tie in with “loneliness”?
I’ve found that my lack of boundaries has cornered me into a place where I feel like I must be doing and serving others at all times without regard as to myself. It doesn’t help that both my jobs do exactly that. I’m constantly saying “how can I help you?” If I had a coin for every single time I’ve said that over the past five months, I’d probably have paid my student loans by now :) And as of late, I’ve been wondering, am I getting any help? Am I feeling supported at all? The glaring answer to that has been no, not really. My full-time job requires me to be constantly on my own at the front fulfilling the visitor’s needs and doing tasks for my supervisor. My part-time job requires me to be working as a team with amazing people, but I’m still constantly pouring of myself to others to the point where I feel spent. I don’t have a family to go home to at the end of the day. I don’t even hang out with my twin sister like I used to. I just go back to my house, sometimes I find my roommate, sometimes not at all.
So, why am I sharing this? Because I want you to know that even through it all - even through the prayer and knowing that God is taking care of me every step of the way - it’s still hard. That loneliness is still there.
I think we sometimes kid ourselves into thinking, “I shouldn’t be complaining because of x, y, or z.” Or there might be thoughts like “At least now I have it better than I had back then…” OR “You deserve this. You chose it, didn’t you?”
But that’s not what we need to hear. Our feelings are valid. Our emotions are valid. So, why do we brush them aside? Why do we pretend like God doesn’t care about them and would also want us to brush them aside? He doesn’t. He acknowledges your pain and it hurts Him to see you in pain! It hurts him more to see that you try to be brave in front of him when internally you are crumbling and crying and wishing there were someone to hug you and tell you it’s okay. He already knows it all.
He’s just waiting for you to tell him. Why? To mock you?
No, it is to love you.